Epp-ic Thoughts: Week 7

Kevin Epp

Kevin Epp

March 27, 2013

Junior Kevin Epp shares stories, knowledge and general lacrosse team news in his weekly blog entitled "Epp-ic Thoughts."

Epp is a two-year letterwinner and long stick defenseman for the Black Knights. He made his way to West Point from Naperville, Ill.

Army Lacrosse fans welcome back to Week #7 of the blog.

Last week I went over the personality of a big part of our team - the goalies. From what I understand, it was pretty well accepted by Red Army. To add to the mayhem, I caught a glimpse of Bobby Sincero ordering Ron Jon compression shorts before film last Thursday. I'm pretty sure Sam Somers orders Pad Thai literally every night of the week and Zeric Butters recently gave himself a hernia trying to throw his stick the length of the field. To top it all off, Evan Danahy recited Yellowcard off the top of his head, promptly put his helmet on, and took the field at Michie this Saturday. Judging by the score, he might do it again this Sunday as well.

However, if you think the goalies are an interesting demographic of the team, then search no further than the Long Islanders. The goalies on the team are pale in comparison to the Long Islanders that occupy over a fifth of the team's population. And no, that does not include Dave Tarsa or Alex Brammer. Who, just to set it straight, claim they are Long Islanders. Now that's settled, let's get a glimpse of where the majority of the team's numbers come from.

First and foremost, I'll start this blog off with a simple question:

How many Long Islanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"The answer is no. Just stop talking. The sun is always shining on The Rock. And just for the record, why would you even question the competence of a Strong Islander? Why don't you go back to where you came from and think about what you just said."

Typically, this is the answer you would receive from a Long Islander on the team if you asked him that question. In all reality, I'm pretty sure the average adult American can screw in a light bulb, so a simple "one" would suffice as an answer, but no, not to a Long Islander. You are always wrong in the eyes of a Long Islander on the team.

You think your cannolis are good where you're from? They're even better on Long Island.

Water Burger? That's laughable, have you ever even heard of All-American?

Barbecue? I'm more than confident that the Southern region of the United States is king of barbecue, but don't get caught saying that to a true Long Islander.

And God forbid you bring up Chicago deep-dish or California thin crust pizza. Those are fighting words.

I mean, I'm pretty sure they don't even have sushi on Long Island, but they'll tell you with a straight face that it's better on Long Island.

So that's the gist of what you're getting yourself into when you argue with the Long Islanders on our team. But be warned, this information came with a price. I had to embed myself for weeks in disguise as an Italian by the name of "Genoa Spumoni" from Nassau county (pronounced "Nah-saw", on contrary to what I thought, "Naw-sow").

Seeing as how Long Islanders typically travel in packs, I was pressured into enduring weeks of eating only pasta and cannolis with the self-proclaimed "Strong" Islanders.

Let's start with the seniors.

Brendan Buckley and Marc Pesa (leaders of the "Wolf Pack" as they call themselves) are the most senior of the Long Islanders and tend to start, and end, all arguments with the more inferior parts of the team. Marc Pesa, nicknamed "El Estomago" by the Wolf Pack, would generally push freshman out of the way so he could eat the rest of their dinner at mermites. On the contrary, Brendan would usually help the freshman attackmen eat because their arms were broken from him slashing them all practice, every practice.

The next tier of the Wolf Pack, donned "The Enforcers," is made up of Nick Isnardi and John Burk(e).

Nick Isnardi's life is loosely based off of the movie Fightclub. The reason being, Nick frequently sends out texts on the Wolf Pack distro like, "come to Lee barracks room 321, two men enter, one man leaves." Nick also challenges people on the team to the "one-slice-one-bite" challenge where, simply put, you have to eat an entire slice of pizza in one bite. Nick is also known for eating only pasta at mermites and refuses any dessert that isn't a cannoli.

Like his Wolf Pack counterpart, John Burk(e) asserts his dominance in any way possible. At first glance, Alex Brammer thought John was Russian. Appalled by this statement, John made sure that was a short-lived hypothesis. John calls himself "The Fist of The Island" and has a cleft chin that shaves itself. Rumor has it that architects modeled the newest barracks off his jaw line. John's most recent endeavor includes taping a Target Reference Point (TRP) to the floor of the locker room, where he practices calling for fire before every practice.

On to the sophomores.

Al DeStefano and Jimbo D'Aprile account for the Long Islanders of the sophomore class, along with a combined GPA slightly higher than that of a concussed Pop Warner football player. Al is one of the most aggressive on-ball players on the team and owes this tendency to his hostility towards any other part of the United States that isn't on an island east of Manhattan. (Actually, Martha's Vineyard is an island east of Manhattan, so you will have to ask Pat Hart how Al DeStefano feels about that one).

Jimbo had four ground balls and three caused turnovers in our last game against Lafayette, apparently mistaking the ball for Hostess Snowballs. Last week I caught Jimbo trying to give Al the stash of candy I have in my locker. (Apparently Long Island ties run deeper than Swamp ties, Jimbo.)

Last but certainly not least, the newest crop of Long Islanders.

Will Mazzone, Shea Mullins, Brendan Madarasz, and Mike Perettine. The latest edition of Long Islander that got lost on The Rock and ended up at Army. Will Mazzone is the ring leader of the freshman and believes that because he has the coveted "Lunch Box" it gives him permission to wrestle anyone in the locker room. Shea Mullins and Brendan Madarasz are generally trying to tell Will to calm down between their own conversations consisting of topics like their favorite candy, board games, and what type of shampoo they like to use. Mike Perettine is probably the most Italian person I've ever met and was allegedly recruited "because he makes a mean fra diavolo sauce."

I hope that gives you all a better perspective of what the Long Islander's on the team are like. The work horses of the midfield, anchors of the defense, and motor of the offense (or at least that's what they told me). Long Islander's possess an uncanny ability to win the coveted blue-collar "Lunch Box" every year, proving that they have bite behind their bark.

Highlights of the Week
-We beat Lafayette 15-6 last Saturday at Michie.
-Mike Perettine scored his first goal.
-Jimbo D'Aprile killed it in the middle of the field.
-Alex Newsome apparently played linebacker in high school.
-Garrett Thul and John Glesener had a combined 14 points.
-Alex Daly got his first goal (textbook celebration, by the way).
-Mr. Burk(e) and Mr. Sincero make really good steak.
-Mike Larrabee no longer likes Snicker sor Twix, and now likes Three Musketeers the most.

Hope to see you all at our game out at Colgate this Sunday. If not, you can watch it live on CBS Sports Network.


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