Epp-Ic Thoughts: Blog 3

March 25, 2014

For the second straight season, senior Kevin Epp shares stories, knowledge and general lacrosse team news in his weekly blog entitled "Epp-ic Thoughts."

Epp is a three-year letterwinner and long stick midfielder for the Black Knights. He made his way to West Point from Naperville, Ill.

Army Lacrosse fans welcome to the third installment of the blog. I know what you're thinking ... "But Kevin, it's been like four weeks, you said you would do this every week." While you've been at home waiting for the latest installment, I've been crushing Chipotle and slamming protein shakes. I'm talking back-to-back chest days; back-to-back days without cardio. It's called bulking season, and it happens two months prior to Spring Break. The most respected guy at the beach is also the meatiest. No coincidence. Long story short, I've been busy making gains. If you saw me in the locker room lately, it would be apparent. I've been far too busy to write the blog.

But while I've had this time to myself, I've had some thoughts brewing in my head. So this week I've decided to introduce the freshman class, or at least a few of them. This is a mixed group. We have some vocal ones, ones that don't talk, and some really... really ... really odd ones. Tighten your belt and locate your wallet, this is the Army Lacrosse Class of 2017 ...

Tim Stackpole (Long Island ,N.Y.):
Probably one of the most entertaining freshmen on the team, Tim is in a league of his own. When we played Lafayette he didn't leave the hotel room and watched Gold Rush on the Discovery Channel for about six hours. Not only that, but he looked like Don Vito the way he laid in his bed eating potato chips and Oreos all night. Stack likes to get food poisoning from time to time and enjoys a good lack of dehydration before practice.  Tim is still unaware that you can get called for slashing at the D1 level.

Ryan Morgan (Lancaster, Pa.):
Ryan Morgan: a legend back home, but might as well be a mime in the locker room. We actually provoke him to talk about his day and reward him, similar to a house pet, when he does. He's like 6'10" or something and can probably dunk. But nobody would know because he doesn't talk to any of us. Actually I just read his bio and apparently he's 6'4" and played football in high school ... I'm still assuming he can dunk.

Ray Horgan (Marblehead, Mass.):
Coming in at a wiry 5'8" and 225 pounds, Ray Horgan lives up to his nickname "Reuben". Similar to one of the meatiest sandwiches in existence, Ray is one of the meatiest kids on the team. He just beat his personal best two mile time of 18:23 in January. Coach A slapped Ray's hand when he reached for an extra bread roll at dinner last week. He can do a handstand for over a minute; dead serious.

C.J. LoConte (Duxbury ,Mass.):
C.J. didn't know he was attending a military academy when he committed here. He was a shot-putter and played center in high school. Juniors Al DeStefano and Mike Larrabee call him "barracuda." Does a strong question-mark dodge for his right hand at practice. However, to everyone else, it looks like he does his best while John Burk takes a baseball bat to his arms.

Max Krieg (Woodside, Calif.):
Max is the real-life incarnation of Keanu Reeves in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." He is still upset that he can't grow facial hair and frequently asks coach if there are any spots to go surfing on the east coast.

Jake Brown (Long Island, N.Y.):
If anybody could look like Darth Helmet from "Space Balls," it's Jake Brown. Also nicknamed "bobble-head" on the team, he runs like his head is about to physically roll off his shoulders as he gets off the field for substitutions. Jake's outstanding stick skills and thick mat of chest hair make up for the fact that he runs like he has peg legs.

Jaelen Gadson (Alexandria, Va.):
Jaelen talks like he's a 40 year old man. He uses mannerisms far out-dated for his generation and insists on asking strange hypothetical questions for people to answer on the bus. His most recent was, "would you rather be forced to drink orange juice every morning after you brush your teeth, or slam your hand in a door every morning." Coach A promptly kicked him out of his office.

Marc Pettrone (Victor, N.Y.):
Marc "Legs" Pettrone. Need I say more. If he was a girl, I could only assume he would be very self conscious. Luckily he's a guy and can be proud of his ability to squat a house and have tree trunk thighs. On a side note, Marc can grow a great goatee and fishes more than Bill Dance. 

Paul Tocci (Sudbury, Mass.):
Pretty sure Paul has a profile on several different dating websites and has even considered getting an eHarmony account. Paul went broke spending money for all his Valentines and even matched on Tinder with one of our managers.

Reaves Klipstein (Califon, N.J.):
By our standards, Reaves is insane. I know you can't clinically diagnose somebody when you're an undergrad in college, but trust me. Reaves has inherited the title of "The Mental Assassin" from Alex Van Krevel, who graduated last year. This past week, Reaves mentally assassinated himself after Coach Georgalas gave him mixed signals about his performance during a drill. He didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or critique, and resorted to self imploding instead.

John Quinn (Long Island, N.Y.):
Imagine the lankiest person you know. Now imagine the complete opposite of that. John Quinn is like a giant teddy bear. Except this teddy bear is a goalie and has several years of wrestling experience. John and fellow goalie Zeric Butters are doing a great job giving their section of the locker room a decent name.

Highlights of the Week:

-Everyone got food poisoning.

-Okay maybe like five people got food poisoning.

-Henry White and David Tarsa got their first goals of the season against Lehigh.

-The junior class is broke after this week.

-Mike Larrabee gave up Almond Joys for Lent and now only eats Swedish Fish.

Hope to see you all at Michie this weekend, the rest of the freshman class will be introduced in the next installment!





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